


Thomas Wolfe Was Right

by Monobrobe



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, More characters to be added, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Third Person Omniscient, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Spoilers for Episode: s05e01-04 Wanted, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 10:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11311134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monobrobe/pseuds/Monobrobe
Summary: He changed too much, and now he can't go back.Or: Lars struggles to readjust to life in Beach City.





	1. Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to use this title because of a specific quote, even though the context of this story isn't exactly the same.
> 
> Look up Thomas Wolfe and hopefully you'll find the quote I'm referring to.

Lars wasn't sure what he was expecting upon his return. He was greeted with little fanfare, only Steven, Connie, the Crystal Gems, and Lars’ parents. Honestly, he shouldn't have been surprised. It's not like he was very well known in Beach City, or liked for that matter. Still, it stung a little, seeing so few people.

Not even Sadie was there to greet him. And according to Steven, she was practically killing herself with worry over her coworker. Knowing Steven, though, he probably only said that to make Lars feel better. That, and he was still convinced the two were meant for each other (at least he stopped implying they were married).

He shook his head. The old him had died. Literally. The new and improved Lars wasn't going to let this crush his resolve… hopefully. Besides, if things didn't work out with the humans, he still had his beloved companions, the Off Colors.

During his time on Homeworld, Lars grew extremely close to the crew of outcast gems. They were practically a second family to him. They accepted him as one of their own, despite barely knowing him. All because he died while saving them.

He _died_.

Lars hadn't thought about it all that much. He didn't want to. It still freaked him out, knowing that for a period of time, he was… not alive. It freaked him out even more that Steven was somehow able to bring him back. Steven denied it, but Lars was certain he was a zombie now. The half-gem just didn't want him to freak out even more about his current condition.

The reunion on Earth was a blur to him. So much had happened, it was difficult to process. He had to convince his parents that the Off Colors weren't monsters and that they were completely harmless. He had to talk to the Crystal Gems about his… pinkness. They also had to figure out where his friends were going to stay, since they certainly wouldn't fit in the temple. Lars also needed to show them around Earth, and show them everything he told them about while on Homeworld.

Needless to say, he was going to be just as occupied on Earth as he was on Homeworld. At least he wouldn't have to worry about killer robots anymore. Nope. Now he just had to worry about trying to lead a semi-normal life while everyone stares at him because he looks so strange. And, well, socializing. That was still a thing he had to do.

Just thinking about having to reintegrate himself into society caused his heart to beat at a normal rate. How was he going to explain everything? Should he tell them that he died, or leave it vague? How much did Steven tell everyone?

Lars took a deep breath. _Calm down, man. New you, remember?_ He could do this. Even if he was terrified of the results.

He decided he wouldn't tell everyone right away. He needed to get back into the swing of things first, and figure out how he was going to approach the topic. For now, they'd just have to be satisfied with “alien stuff, you know?”

He had to tell his parents, though. They deserved to know after he made them sick with worry, not knowing when their son would come home, or if he was even still alive. That, and they were having trouble processing all this stuff about alien rocks.

The Crystal Gems allowed Lars to spend a couple of days to just breathe, since he was trapped on Homeworld for a long time. He just wanted to go home and sleep for now. He'd talk to his parents in the morning. Hopefully they wouldn't freak out too much when he broke the news about his death to them.

***  
Naturally, they freaked out. A lot. They insisted on taking Lars to see a doctor when they discovered his alarmingly-slow pulse and cold body temperature. It took the poor boy everything he had to convince them not to. He admitted he was still pretty freaked out by all of this, and, to be honest, it was terrifying. His whole world had been turned upside down in a matter of days. One minute, he was fighting off robots. The next, he was pink and had a magic portal in his hair that a certain someone could pop out of whenever he pleased.

All Lars wanted from his parents was for them to pretend none of this happened. That he was still a normal human and was definitely not a zombie. He just didn't need to eat or sleep anymore. And he was pink. And had a big scar on his right eye.

He knew he was probably asking a lot from them, considering he had just dropped this bombshell on them. But, as always, they just wanted their son to be happy.

It was just as nauseating as it was before he got abducted.

He didn't deserve their love. Their patience. Their kindness. Heck, he didn't even deserve this second chance. He only got it because some stupidly-naive kid cared about him more than he should have. It was an accident.

_He was supposed to have stayed dead._

…There he went again with the self-loathing. Changing was much harder than Lars would've liked. Then again, since when was anything ever easy?

He assured his parents they could all get through this. They had to. Lars was sick of feeling sorry for himself. He was sick of his parents worrying so much about him. He just wanted to live as normal a life as he was capable of.

They promised to try their best, though it would be pretty hard to act as though their son never died. The scar and the pink skin were constant reminders of that.

All any of them could do was try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning on having another fic that revolves around the gem side of things that takes place at the same time as this one. Basically, this fic will only have chapters that revolve around Beach City, while the other will only have chapters that revolve around the gems. That means future chapters may make references to chapters from the other fic. I'll provide the chapter links in the notes when that happens. Once I figure out how to do that. I think it's possible?
> 
> Anyways, I really hope this goes over well. I'm so nervous since I've written terrible fics in the past. I don't want this to be another one of them. I really hope I'm doing okay with the tags, too...


	2. Starting Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lars attempts to smooth things over with Sadie.

After that eventful morning, Lars knew what he had to do next.

He had to see Sadie.

To say he was scared was an understatement. After all, the last time he saw Sadie, he was running away, leaving her in the clutches of a Topaz (though to be fair, he probably would've gotten killed sooner if he _did_ try to do something). How would she react upon seeing him, let alone like this?

Fortunately, Steven popped out of his hair to provide moral support. He had to hand it to the kid; he was great at boosting morale, even for someone like himself. Lars was able to make it all the way to Sadie’s house, and even rang the doorbell, at which point Steven left for Lion’s mane.

So now it was just Lars and Sadie, standing face to face, waiting for the other to break the silence.

“Uh… hi, Sadie. Nice weather we're having, huh?” Smooth. “Err, w-what I mean is… I'm back?” He gave her one of those awkward grins that exposed his gums

Sadie blinked and began rubbing her eyes furiously, to make sure she wasn't just seeing things. It was Lars, right? Or was it just a gem disguised as him? After all, the Lars she knew wasn't pink. Then again, Steven was really vague about what exactly happened to the guy. Turning pink wouldn't be too improbable, right? Still, just to make sure…

“…Lars?”

Of course she would would be suspicious. He was an entirely different color. That didn't mean it didn't hurt, though. He sighed.

“Y-yeah. It's me. The guy who left you for dead,” he cringed internally at the word, “and got himself stuck in space. That… that was really messed up of me. I should've tried to do something to help you…” He grimaced, awaiting the lashing out he was gonna receive.

But Sadie didn't say anything. Not yet, anyway. She was mad at him, but she was also relieved that he was okay. Then again, anger and concern often collided when it came to dealing with Lars.

So much was different about him, aside from the obvious physical changes. It sounded less like he was hiding and more like he was actually owning up to his mistakes and really wanted to make up for them. It was nice. _Too_ nice.

This could very easily be another trick of his. After all, he's only ever nice to her when he wants something, right? She could see him trying to use this display of humility to get out of work or something. And yet… she wanted to believe this was _finally_ it. The day he took that step forward without taking two steps back.

Regardless of his motives, Sadie needed answers. How did he end up looking like this? Why didn't he come home with Steven? She wanted to know everything, but talking at the door wasn't very appropriate. “You should come inside.” She stepped aside to allow her coworker to enter.

“O-oh, okay.” Honestly, he expected her to slam the door in his face or something. Maybe she was just waiting to hear his story, and _then_ she'd toss him out.

They settled down in the kitchen. “Coffee?” Sadie offered as she prepared some for herself. Lars shook his head.

When she sat down with her cup, Lars began talking. “How much did Steven tell you?” He wanted to make sure he didn't end up explaining things she already knew about.

Taking a sip of her coffee, Sadie thought for a moment. “Well, he told me about how he was put on some sort of trial, and that you two escaped and met some gems… And he told me you saved them all. Apparently you were very heroic.” She giggled a bit at the memory. Steven was trying so hard to make it sound like Lars was the big hero. It was kinda cute. She knew what he was trying to do, of course, but it was still amusing nonetheless. “He also said you're the reason he was able to get home.”

Sadie frowned. “He was really vague about the parts involving you.” She glanced at Lars. “I think I get why now.”

The pink boy chuckled nervously. So Steven _did_ leave all the explaining to him. That wasn't even half of it.

“So… what _did_ happen? Care to fill in the blanks?” She wanted answers, and she wanted them now.

Lars gulped. This was going to be difficult. “To be honest, I'm not exactly comfortable talking about all of it. I mean, I almost died.” Well, he did, but he wasn't about to admit it. “If it weren't for Steven’s healing powers…” He shuddered. “Anyways, I guess I did save them? That part’s kinda fuzzy _**(liar)**_ , actually. I got knocked out after I destroyed that one robonoid _**(no you didn't)**_. When I woke up, everyone was hanging around me and I was pink.”

“Was that also when you got that scar?”

He blinked. “Scar? Wh… _oh_.” He placed a hand over his right eye. His parents mentioned it, and he saw it himself in the mirror, but apparently it didn't register with him. “I think so? I don’t really remember _ **(stop lying to her)**_ …” In actuality, he remembered the moments before his death perfectly. After all, they were the most terrifying moments he'd ever experienced. Sadie's guess was most likely spot on.

That was another thing he hated about this form. He was able to remember. Remember the pain, the coldness of death’s touch, and the look on Steven’s face. He could tell how traumatized the kid was by witnessing his death, even after reviving him.

“Lars?”

_He hated it. He hated being the source of pain for everyone around him._

“ _Lars!_ ”

_He hated that he was brought back. It would've been so much easier if Steven had left him dead._

“ ** _Lars!!_** ”

A warm sensation covered his free hand, bringing him back to reality. Looking down, he saw it was Sadie, holding his hand tightly. She appeared to be concerned. And shocked. In her desperation to snap him out of his trance, she discovered something else.

“You… you're so _cold_.” Lars immediately pulled his hand back with a little more force than was necessary. Sadie could only continue watching him. When it came to reading Lars, she was an expert. The way he spoke and behaved may have changed, but his tells didn't. This was something he didn't want to talk about. Something he _couldn't_ talk about. He probably didn't want to explain what exactly happened to him, either.

She sighed. She really wanted answers, but she wasn't going to pry them out of Lars if he was going to react like that. She was starting to understand just how the pink teen managed to change so much in such a short amount of time. “I'm sorry, Lars. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.”

“E-err…” Still somewhat out of it, the boy’s response was delayed. “Y-yeah. Sorry. I'm just… I need time to process everything, I think.” He paused. “I can tell you about my, uh, _condition_ , though. A lot of things changed once I became like this.” He gestured to himself.

“Like…?”

“Well, I don't need to eat or sleep anymore. I'm a bit stronger now, too. Apparently I can make portals, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. And my hair is now a portal to some dimension that belonged to Steven’s mom. I'm pretty much connected to his lion, so Steven can come and go whenever he wants to.” Lars groaned. Funny how that was the _one_ thing Steven had no qualms about abusing. “He could at least give me a warning when he does that! It's so annoying!”

Sadie raised an eyebrow. “Your _hair_ is a portal to another dimension?”

He nodded. “That's how he was able to get home in the first place. And why I couldn't go with him.”

“And this is all because you got injured and Steven healed you?”

Silence.

“ _Yyyyyyyes?_ ”

There were clearly a lot of details that were missing, but she'd have to be satisfied with the explanation she got.

Lars fidgeted, sensing her discontent. “I promise, when I'm ready, I'll tell you. I just… I can't do it right now.”

His coworker sighed. “It's fine, Lars. I'm just glad you're back.” She didn't understand why she continued to care so much about Lars, but she did. And she had to admit, it was getting pretty lonely working by herself at the Big Donut with Steven only occasionally helping out.

He reacted differently than she expected, though. His eyebrows were furrowed. He almost seemed… contemplative?

Taking a deep breath, Lars composed himself. “There is something else we need to talk about.” He said, face turning a bright shade of red. “About… you know, _us_.”

Sadie caught his drift and shifted uncomfortably. She wasn't ready to give Lars another chance. Not after all the times he hurt her. Even if he did actually change. Even though he apparently went through some traumatizing stuff. She just couldn't trust him yet. Sure, he sounded so honest and open here, but… If there was one thing Lars was good at, it was manipulating her. Or maybe she was just easy to manipulate. “Lars… I don't think we can—“

“I want to start over.”

Sadie blinked. That wasn't what she was expecting at all. “Start… over?”

“We've both done some pretty screwed up things.” Seeing Sadie’s offended look, he sighed. Maybe he should leave out his own grievances for the time being. If he wanted to make things right with Sadie, he couldn't afford to upset her. “Okay, _I've_ done some some pretty screwed up things. I kept hurting you so much because I was so afraid of everything. I didn't want you to get close and end up leaving after finding out what a loser I am. And… and… All this stuff has made me realize I took so much for granted! Especially you! And I know you think I'd only do nice things to hurt you and I don't want it to be that way! So… I just want to start over.”

“…As friends?”

“As coworkers!”

“…Coworkers?”

“I'm pretty much a different person now!” At least, he'd like to think he was. “So why not just… get to know each other again? And this time it'll be better!” Once again, Lars’ nerves got the better of him. All he wanted to do was talk this out with Sadie. Now he was rambling on and on and making himself sound like an idiot. Coworkers? _Seriously_? That was even dumber than “bingo bongo!”

Sadie pondered the idea. Of course, she understood what Lars was trying to propose, despite his awkward (and somewhat endearing) choice of words. Starting over actually sounded like a good idea. But would it even work? What if Lars went back to his old ways? She needed to make sure he had an incentive to…

Wait, no! That wasn't right at all! She promised herself she'd stop trying to fix his life. Besides, he was the one who proposed the idea. That had to mean something, right? And if it didn't…

He seemed to honestly want this. The least she could do is give him a chance.

She nodded. “Okay. Let's start over. As coworkers.”

Lars gaped at her. “S-seriously?”

“Yeah. I mean, you managed to come all this way. It's only fair to try.” A soft smile formed on her face. Lars felt a large one forming on his own.

He did it. He actually did it. “W-well, I guess I'll see you… uh…” Oh, right. He almost forgot he made arrangements to talk to the Crystal Gems tomorrow. “…Well, the Crystal Gems kinda need to talk to me about what happened in space, so I guess I won't be seeing you tomorrow? I have no idea what they're gonna do with me.” He was definitely more than a little nervous about that. “But whenever they let me go, I'll see you at work, okay?”

“I'm sure it'll be fine, Lars,” Sadie reassured him, “and I'll see you when you're done.”

“Y-yeah, you're right. It'll be fine… There's nothing to be afraid of…”

_…Right?_

As Sadie was about to see him off, Lars turned back to her.

“Sadie?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm sorry. For everything.”

She simply smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being so much longer than I thought it was gonna be, holy crap.
> 
> Also, while I do ship Larsadie, I don't think they should get together right away. Hence my decisions here. They gotta rebuild their relationship, you know? Prove to each other that they want to improve.


End file.
